There they are, sitting across from me with a confused look, a heaviness they can't name, and tear-filled eyes. Then come the words: “I feel guilty for feeling this way.”

Guilt, it’s one of the most common emotions I see when working with children of immigrants. They tell me about their hard-working parents who gave up everything to start over in a country that promised more, parents who provided food, education, and safety. And yet, even with all that, there's an ache, a quiet grief that stems from what was never received.

They long for emotional closeness. For words like “I’m proud of you” or “I love you.” But those things may never have been said. Their parents showed love by working long hours, sacrificing their own dreams, and keeping the family afloat. There was no space to talk about feelings. Now, as adults navigating relationships, identity, and their own emotional worlds, many find themselves caught between two places: gratitude and grief. They don’t want to blame their parents, they know they did the best they could, but that doesn’t erase the ache. This is the internal tug-of-war that so many children of immigrants experience, a longing to honor where they come from while also acknowledging what they’ve missed.

The Acculturation Gap: When Home and the Outside World Collide

If you’re a child of immigrants, chances are you’ve felt that tension, the space between the world inside your home and the one outside of it. Maybe it showed up in how emotions were (or weren’t) expressed, in clashing values around independence, or in how love was shown without ever being named. For many raised in the U.S., growing up between cultures isn’t just confusing, iit can feel like you’re constantly translating, just trying to belong. This experience is often referred to as “intergenerational cultural dissonance,” or the “acculturation gap.” Whatever it’s called, it’s the disconnect that arises between immigrant parents and their children. It’s not just about language or customs. It’s about meaning, emotional safety, identity, and how love is communicated across cultural and generational lines.

When Love Looks Different Than We Expected

As children of immigrants, many of us internalized very different ideas of what love, strength, or success are “supposed” to look like. We read the books and watched the tv shows about white families. We heard the soft music play as the parents came to apologize and have a “heart to heart” with their child after a conflict. Western culture often idealizes open communication, emotional vulnerability, and individual autonomy. But in many immigrant households, love is shown in quieter, more sacrificial ways: through food on the table, working double shifts, or staying strong in the face of adversity without complaint. Maybe you never heard the words, “I love you” out loud. You may have longed for gentle affection, comfort, or curiosity about your internal, emotional world. And that absence, even when you know your parents love you, can be painful. That pain doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It means you’re human. You received very different messages about what love and care are supposed to look like and it’s impossible not to have feelings about the gaps between each.

Holding Space for Both Grief and Gratitude

We tend to swing between two poles: guilt for wanting more, and resentment for what we didn’t get. But what if I told you both can be true? What if you can feel love and grief at the same time? It’s okay to name what was missing, the hugs, the safety, the conversations that never happened. You’re not betraying your family by naming your needs. Grieving those unmet needs isn’t about blame, it’s about being honest with ourselves, and making space for healing. In fact, not acknowledging the difficult and uncomfortable feelings often negatively impacts the relationship that is even possible with them. We want to pretend those feelings aren’t there and yet they are and they might take us by surprise and bring unexpected conflicts or tensions into our relationship with our parents. Acknowledging what did or didn’t happen and making space for those feelings often gives us a chance to meet those needs in other ways, which creates new possibilities in our relationship with our family.

Understanding Where They Came From

Many of our parents never had the privilege of emotional language, and were never taught how to name their feelings or hold space for someone else's. They came from places where survival came first and emotions were seen as luxuries. Words like “boundaries,” “vulnerability,” or “attunement” didn’t exist for them the way they do for us now. We’ve been given more tools, more language, more access, which is a privilege and also a responsibility. A responsibility to interrupt cycles, to soften where we can, and to understand that our parents did the best they could with what they had, even when it wasn’t enough.

Moving Forward with Complexity

There is no “right” way to feel about your parents. Maybe you feel close. Maybe you feel distant. Maybe you feel both. Your experience is valid. Healing the rupture between who we are and where we come from often starts with understanding. Therapy can be a space to explore your identity, process cultural dissonance, and reconnect with what matters most to you. You don’t have to choose between honoring your roots and honoring yourself. There’s room for all of it. So If you're sitting with the complexity of being a child of immigrants, feeling pulled between grief, love, guilt, and longing, know that you’re not alone. Culturally affirming therapy can be a powerful support in navigating these layers because without understanding the cultural and social influences on how we feel, the support will be inadequate or again, split us between gratitude or guilt.

I offer therapy that honors your cultural experience and helps you reclaim your story. Whether you're just beginning to unpack intergenerational trauma or seeking support as you work through breaking cycles, I’m here to support you on bridging the gaps. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.

Also, this Friday, may 9th from 11am-1pm PSt, noor founder dr. pauline yeghnazar peck will be hosting a live 2-hour masterclass all about this topic. don’t worry if you can’t make it live as you’ll get a free replay with your ticket purchase.

check it out below ⬇️

From Guilty to Grounded masterclass

Written by: Nichole Abdallah, AMFT

Nichole is a second-generation Palestinian-Latina Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Noor Therapy and Wellness who helps adult children of immigrants reclaim their cultural identities, navigate intergenerational trauma, and find a sense of belonging.